Bailey Mtn | 7 December 2012 —
When you’re down there in the Kalmiopsis Wilderness, make sure to be aware of the Kalmiopsis leprechauna, a dwarfed hominid species that evolved in the deep nooks and crannies of the Chetco and North Fork Smith watersheds.
They are descendants of lost Irish sailors from before Lewis & Clark’s time and evolved to depend on mostly moonshine and peridotite soil for sustenance. They had their own distillery operations dating into the 1970s, but the USFS quietly shut them down.
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| Rarely photographed Kalmiopsis leprechauna in captivity |
Now the small groups of leprechauna still living in the Kalmiopsis depend on booze stolen from the area’s few gold-miners, hikers, fishermen and horsemen. They stalk groups and at night ransack camps quietly for whiskey and gold.
Anthropologists and linguists studied the leprechauna into the early 20th century, but much research and record was lost. They are a ferrell people that can be tamed, but only with adequate whiskey. It is not uncommon for one leprechauna, who are on average about 3.5′ and 70 lbs, to consume a half gallon of Jim Beam (their whiskey of choice) in one day.
Most leprechauna populations are willing to make deals to stop harassing and stealing from groups. When negotiating peace or passage with the leprechauna, make sure to be extremely clear on appropriations of whiskey and to get all agreements in writing. Also, try and make a deal for indefinite travel rights through their territory. Even though this might demand what seem like obscene amounts of booze, it’s worth it; the leprechauna, while wild, keep to their word.
First and foremost remember, if you encounter the Kalmiopsis leprechauna, to
- Stay calm
- Get appropriated amounts of whiskey and agreed upon access rights in a written contract
- Take notes and contact the Kalmiopsis leprechauna Research Foundation
